i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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