Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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