Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
