i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize