It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
