hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
