Kiss
Puke
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
