He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
