I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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