Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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