when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
