Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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