batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
