All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
