I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
