so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
