I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
