i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
