are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
