ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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