I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
