anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
