Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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