Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
