My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
