I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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