I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
