I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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