The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
