Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When are your genitals available?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
