I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
