Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
