I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
