Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
