On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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