im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
