come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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