Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
