Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
