whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
