sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
