No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
