Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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