I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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