I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
