If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My dad is sitting where you rode me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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