she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
