If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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