Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
