he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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