the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
