I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
