possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
