you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
