I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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