So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
