Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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