i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
