2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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