It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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