"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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