considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize