Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
