omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
