The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
