I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
